6-07-13

+ 'it is friday and here in l.a. it is gay pride weekend, everybody!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'i spend all day waxing my chest, ironing my speedo- and then i remembered it was gay pride weekend!  the big gay pride parade is on sunday, but so is the season finale for game of thrones.  hmm.  games of thrones and the gay pride parade are very different, one of them is a lot of men in elaborate costumes riding bareback and sword fighting, and the other is game of thrones!
some very sad news today as well, according to khloe kardashian, bruce jenner and chris jenner are now living apart.  i dont care either.  they have refused to get a divorce though, because so far it is not in the script...'
- ethan hawke
- jamie chung

6-06-13

+ 'there's a huge scandal in washington', craig ferguson shares, 'its been a very rough couple of weeks for obama.  this comes on the heels of the irs scandal, and before that it was ben gazi.  even the crack head mayor of toronto was like 'rough week, ehe?'  next we'll find out that obama was behind last week's game of thrones wedding!  phone hacking, the reality is that both republicans and democrats in congress have both come out in defense of collecting this data.  as every good american knows, when republicans and democrats agree on something in congress, it is time to be very very worried indeed!  they are evil.  'but craig, they are democratically..'  yes, i know what they are, but they are evil.  congress actually gave the white house authority to spy on the phones under president bush.  but experts say that the cell phone snooping go as far back as president clinton.  it wasn't as organized back then, it was just clinton dialing up women going 'what are you wearing?'.'
- betty white
- sarah paulson

6-05-13

+ 'hey, did you see the country music awards earlier tonight?' craig ferguson asks, 'i haven't seen it yet because we're live, don't tell me, but i'm really hoping that the guy with the cowboy hat and the big belt buckle wins!  he's my favorite!  when he sings that song about things going wrong, it gets me every time!  he's like 'things were goin' right, then they went wrong.  things were all messed up inside, but i'm gonna just keep movin'.'  i think i just won a country music award!  anyway, the country music awards, they gave a life time achievement award to whiskey this year as well, for contributions to country music.  whiskey, tequila, and pot- the big three!  well, for willie nelson anyway.  the country music awards, no one goes home empty handed, the winners get trophies and the losers have something to write about for their next song!  a lot of big stars at the cmt's, rumor was that taylor swift was going to make an appearance in something shocking- like a stable relationship!  take that, innocent girl i've never met!'
# sanjay gupta
= gretchen wilson

6-04-13

+ 'there's a new book out today', craig ferguson states, 'i know what your thinking, 'craig, what's a book?'  well, imagine its a blog printed out all over on bits of paper.  imagine loads of text messages all smooshed together!  the new book out today called 'joy land' is by an up and coming author named stephen king.  now, stephen king is getting a lot of flack because he refuses to release the book digitally.  he doesn't want you reading it on a tablet or phone.  its only coming out on pages made of paper.  take that trees, you leafy wooden bastards!  i think that if stephen king doesn't want to put out an electronic version of the book he shouldn't have to.  he's a great american writer, he has earned the right to do whatever the hell he wants.  but when he started out, critics did not like his books.  over time though, things changed.  just like this show, minus the part about things changing...  king's new book joyland takes place in a creepy old amusement park.  its about a carnie.  carnies are terrifying, except carnie wilson, who is adorable.  with or without the stomach staples she is just lovely!'
- bill maher
-> cat cora

6-03-13

+ 'its a very historic day for law enforcement', craig ferguson informs, 'the supreme court has ruled that police now have the right to take DNA samples.  oh dear!  this decision has split the court.  judge scolia said that it establishes a terrifying precedent, obama's administration has said that its the right thing to do, and anthony wiener said 'who wants to see my penis?'.  now when you get arrested you have to get your finger printed and your cheek swabbed.  even if you are reese witherspoon!  we already have a database of everyone's fingerprints, and the plan is to have a database of everyone's dna.  and that way we can find out how many children arnold schwarzanegger really has!  the dna testing has changed many things, it made the game of clue go much faster.  'we've tested everyone's dna, professor plum, you did it.  everyone else, you may go home'.  dna evidence will be used even more in courtrooms now.  do you remember the oj simpson trial?  the dna evidence was very new back then, so the jury felt more comfortable relying on evidence they could trust, like rhymes.  'if the glove don't fit, you must acquit!'  it rhymes!  so that proves it!  every time there is new technology in law enforcement people get a bit uneasy.  i'm sure people were probably against finger printing when it started in the late 1800's.  i'll have to ask larry king since he was around at the time.'
= steven tyler
- olga kurylenko

5-31-13

+ 'a new movie is out today that i'm very excited about', craig ferguson states, 'it doesn't have any superheroes or space ships or vin diesels or any of that, which means no one will go see it.  its called 'now you see me' and its about everyone's favorite subject: magic!  'now you see me' is a phrase often used by magicians, like 'hocus pocus', or 'abra kadabra', or 'where's everybody going?'  its not that difficult to be a magician, all you need is a cape, a top hat, and a willingness to sell your soul to satan in exchange for mystical powers.  and by 'mystical powers' i mean an endless stream of colorful handkerchiefs!  magic has changed over the years, i used to like the old school magicians.  i don't like modern day magicians, they don't even do magic!  david blaine, 'i'm going to hold my breath for 17 days'.  that's not magic, that's a remedy for hiccups!'
- kathy griffin
- scott adsit
= bad rabbits

5-30-13

+ 'its the big sporting event of the year for me', craig ferguson shares, 'tonight was the finals of the scripts national spelling bee.  i live for it, i l-i-v-e for it!  the finals were broadcast on espn.  wouldn't you think something like this would be on the learning channel?  then again, you wouldn't think the learning channel would show something like honey boo boo either!  now with spell check, some people think that spelling is of little use, its because on of those skills that have become obsolete.  like repairing steam engines, or like hosting a network talk show.. its become an obsolete thing.  anyway, people forget that spell check can only tell you if you spelled correctly, not if you are using the correct word.  i found that out the hard way when i asked friends to meet me at the pubic library.  geoff was the only one that showed up!  i didn't even invite him, he was already there, leafing through the periodicals...  anyway, the winner of the spelling bee wins thirty thousand dollars cash!  i cant imagine what i would have spent that kind of money on when i was fourteen.  yes i can- cocaine!'
- jeff garlin
- anne heche

5-29-13

+ 'if you know anything about me, you know i wait for this day all year', craig ferguson states, 'today is the 60th anniversary of the first men to climb mount everest.  that's the big holliday for me!  sir edmond hillary and tensing norgay, they climbed the world's tallest mountain, 29,000 feet.  that's very high, very high indeed!  how high is it?  as high as a kardashian's waxing bill, its as high as the mayor of toronto, its as high as the pope's hat closet, its as high as willie nelson at a snoop dogg concert, its as high as kim jung un standing on dennis rodman.  now, edmond hillary was a kiwi, a kiwi is from new zeeland.  they are kind of like australians, except they have a fuzzy outer skin.  and no pouch like the australians.  tensing norgay was hillary's guide up mount everest, he was an ethnic sherpa, a native of napal.  he had lived mount everest but he had never climbed it.  then along came edmond hillary and he was like 'do you want to touch my fuzzy outer skin?'  anyway, the top of mount everest, its called 'the death zone'.  if you stay there your body doesn't get enough oxigen and you can quickly spiral into a black depression that feels like dying but you are still conscious.  there's a similar place in california, its called los angeles!'
- howie mandel
- brit marling

5-28-13

+ 'here's the news from memorial weekend', craig ferguson shares, 'the fast and furious movie, it make a gasprillian dollars!  i'm going to go see this movie, and i'm not even a car guy.  i don't know the difference between double clutching and granny shifting.  i thought granny shifting was what cbs did during sweeps!  and the star of this movie is, of course, vin diesel.  which i think is the perfect name for an action star: vin diesel. i couldn't come up with a better one if i tried!  but i will anyway:  flin buckshot, grant meatfist, gnarl thrustgullet, j.t. asskicker, blaze cracklethrob.  in the new movie vin diesel and his crew come out of retirement for one last job, which, if i'm not mistaken, they did in the last two movies, and probably the next two movies as well, which you know there will be more.  it also stars dwayne 'the rock' johnson.  between dwayne 'the rock' johnson and vin diesel, the dialogue is sensational!  its like shakespeare... when he goes to the bathroom.  the producers said today they are only going to start filming fast and furious 7 when the script is just right... ha ha ha! come one!  they filled it already, they filmed it on an iphone over the weekend!  the thing is though, in the next one, who is going to be the bad guy?  its a tough roll to fill.  its got to be someone who is available, who is passionate about cars, and who audiences will accept as a ruthless villain who is capable of anything.  jay leno!  that's who its going to be: jay leno!  no offense to vin diesel and the rock, but their bald asses wouldn't stand a chance against leno's gray hair!'
- ellen page
* george stroumboulopoulos

5-27-13

+ 'it is, of course, memorial day', craig ferguson exclaims, 'when we honor the men and women who defended this country, and to them i say thank you.  every year as americans we celebrate memorial day the best way we know how: by having sales at mattress stores and car dealerships. that's how we say thanks!  today is when the car dealerships bring out the heavy artillery: the big blowy guys out front!  a lot of americans get the three day weekend, not this american.  i've been a citizen for five years, how long before i get a day off, huh?  the only way i can get a day off is if i some how pretaped a show...  but i just wouldnt do that.  you know who gets a day off today?  jay leno.  he gets a day off.  he's about to get a bunch of days off, actually.  i probably shouldnt joke about that cause he might end up hosting this show!'
- ben kingsley
- alia shawkat

5-22-13

+ 'tonight's show is a little different', craig ferguson warns, 'i mean, some things will be the same, i'm going to go back and then come out in a minute and people will cheer, then i'm going to go 'great day for america', then the audience is going to pretend i haven't been here, you will be like 'why does he always come out then even though he's already been on...?'  all that will be the same, but my only guest tonight will be my friend stephen fry.  now, i warn you, stephen is an out spoken man, he has views that you may find difficult, and you may find they make you angry or upset.  let this be the point when i say to you 'maybe this is a good night to get an early night'.  if you don't mind engaging in a bit of mental gymnastics with stephen, then please stay. i'd love you to stay because he is a fascinating, brilliant, intelligent man.  as the evening goes on we will talk about stuff that is challenging to talk about and think about.  it wont all be cheeky monkeys, but there will be some of that.  all i'm saying is this: this is a late night show, and sometimes i take advantage of that.  i do hope you will too.'
- stephen fry

5-21-13

+ 'its a great day to be in sweden', craig ferguson shares, 'but then again, when isn't it a great day to be in sweden?  sweden is full of gorgeous blondes with long flowing hair and casual attitudes toward sex.  the women are hot too!  i read today in stockholm, which is a town in sweden- the capitol, they have opened the worlds first museum devoted exclusively to abba!  now, if you dont like abba go and join al quida!  actually, even al quida love abba!  this museum in sweden claims to have the worlds biggest collection of abba memorabilia.  they clearly haven't seen my bedroom!   i love abba, when i was younger hearing an abba song made me instantly happy, it would wake me right up.  all i wanted to do was stay up and play more abba.  no, wait, hold on, i'm thinking of cocaine...'.'
- zach galifianakis
- andrea riseborough

5-20-13

+ 'we are almost done with may sweeps', craig ferguson states, 'sweeps, that's the time when networks pull out all the stops to get the ratings up.  sweeps, if you don't know, is very important to the likes of us who work in television.  its the time when you have to amp up your game, which i think is not right.  you know, a lot of shows amp up their game and i think what about the people who watch every night?  what, they don't matter the rest of the time?  so tonight i have decided to provide the same level of crap that i always provide.  it wont be any better, in fact as we continue with the show at this point it will probably be on the down side...  this year a lot of shows are pulling some crazy stunts: on glee one of the actors is going to come out as straight, on the voice shakira's hips are going to lie, on keeping up with the kardashians they are going to circumcise khloe!  they do this for the ratings, the ratings experts say the best way to get people to watch during sweeps is to leave the audience with a question that wont be answered until the next time the show is on.  you know, like 'who shot j.r.?'  i like to think that every night when people watch this show the question is 'is this still on?  why is this still on?!?'  i don't look at the nielsen ratings.  i don't think you want to win the ratings in late night anyway.  look at what happened at nbc.  look what happened!  who's been number one on nbc for 20 years?  what happened? fired! fired! twice!'
- heather graham
* david benioff

5-17-13

+ 'i've just been checking all my bits and i'll tell you why', craig ferguson informs, 'i am now 51. today.  here's the thing, though, i am now north of fifty.  this is it, this is the home stretch now.  i'm officially in the AARP, i want teenagers off my lawn, every time i go to the doctor they are putting more and more things up my ass.  when i went to the doctor when i was thirty it was like 'how do you feel?' 'awesome', 'well, out you go!'  now its like 'well, we will be putting this one in, and we got another one over here, we've got the camera, you've met the teamsters, they are coming...'  my ass is catnip for doctors!  anyway, 51.  now what?  more of this?  that's not cheering me up!  i don't feel any different, i can see that i look different, i mean i look in the mirror and i'm like 'what the hell?'  what has changed since 50?  well, my testicles are even lower.  now i have to be careful when i put on my shoes.  one wrong move and i'm limping all day...  one of the great advantages of getting older is that you really really start to not give a rat's ass.  i mean, really!  am i right, old people?  as a kid i was like 'i don't care what you think, man!' but i did, i really cared what you thought.  but now i really don't care what you think!  people are like 'craig!  you cant do that!'  who says, you jerk?!?  its awesome!  51 is the new punk rock!'
- william shatner
- natalie dormer

5-16-13

+ 'its a great day for america because we have a new american idol!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'hurrah... congratulations, you...  you had me when you sang that song about love and stuff.  then the fans of the other person were like 'boo!' and randy jackson was like 'dog' and stuff.  i don't watch that crap.  they are in trouble in the ratings these days, they are down 40 percent since last year.  this is true, this season american idol was beaten by duck dynasty in the ratings!  duck dynasty, you know, they show with two dudes sitting there in a tree going 'that a duck?' 'nope, that aint a duck, that's a quail'.  that's the show that beat american idol!  if you don't know duck dynasty, its like honey boo boo, but replace the girl with a duck...'
- paul reiser
- yunjin kim

5-15-13

+ 'ill tell you why i'm excited', craig ferguson states, 'the cannes film festival started today.  i'm very excited, its a great day if you love cinema.  its a great day for those who love cinema, which is everyone, and for those people who love the french- the french!  anyone who is anyone in show business is in france right now.  i know what you are thinking, 'but craig, you are here in los angeles'.  exactly!  i am lower on the show business ladder than justin bieber's monkey!  the cannes film festival, we took the show to france a couple of years ago.  today in fance, the cannes film festival, the whole concept is ridiculous- these hollywood people spend thousands of dollars to fly to france, then spend a week sitting inside a movie theater!  they never see france!  we have movie theaters in l.a.!  its like going to a strip club for the buffet- its stupid!  its like going to a dodgers game to see a winning team!  wait, to be fair, you will see a winning team at a dodgers game, it just wont be the dodgers...'
- ice-t
> paula poundstone

5-14-13

+ 'i know what your thinking', craig says as he reads a newspaper, 'your thinking 'what the hell is that, craig?'  its a newspaper, its what stupid people used to read before twitter...  i look forward to your outrage.  anyway, so in the usa today, its a great paper and there's people in it and stuff, you know how they've always got the chart?  i'm looking at the chart today, it says 'most popular hot dog condiments'.  i'm thinking 'oh, this is going to be controversial!'  it says at 22 percent, the most popular hot dog condiment is cheese.  i'm like 'cheese isn't a condiment!'  then i thought that maybe in the context of a hot dog it is a condiment.  you know, if its melty and you pour it on your sausage.  and also, the second most popular is chili.  also, i would argue, is not a condiment!  but in the context of a hot dog you put it on your sausage.  18 percent.  third most popular, 13 percent, is onions.  onions also- not a condiment!  and finally, bringing up the rear, as it were, the least two popular condiments are mustard and ketchup.  mustard 12 percent, ketchup 8 percent.  first of all, only two condiments listed here, mustard and ketchup, and then i'm thinking i like mustard and ketchup.  all the other things are fine, but if push comes to shove, like, if the devil appeared and said 'you may only have one condiment for the rest of your life, which would it be?'  i'd be like 'ketchup' of course!  here's what i realized:  this show is for the 8 percent.  this is the ketchup of late night television.  were are the least popular condiment, but at least we are one...'
- ray liotta
> deanne smith
= pistol annies

5-13-13

+ 'its a great day today if you like robots', craig ferguson states, 'here's the thing, a new study has come out that says by the year 2030, household robots will dominate every phase of our lives.  so far, we've only got a robot that can lift its arm, right geoff?  but the technology is moving faster.  i'm all for robots doing work for us, but to be honest, do we humans need to be any lazier?  really?  have you been to vegas recently?  there's like a sea of rascal scooters the minute you get in there!  the study also says that robot driven cars are less than five years away!  robot driven cars!  i've got mixed feelings about it, its sounds cool, but its tricky for late night douche bags like me.  it would mean the end of the celebrity DUI!  what are we going to talk about?  and some of these cars will be voice activated, the engine turns on whenever they hear reese witherspoon say 'do you know who i am?!?'  you know what i like in movies, though, is that robots always go nuts when they're given the emotion chips so they can feel real feelings.  now, i hope they never do that sort of thing with household robots.  i don't ever want a vacuum cleaner capable of feeling shame...'
- john cho
- sara rue

5-10-13

+ 'there's a big movie out today that i'm excited about', craig ferguson states, 'the great gatsby.  leonardo di caprio is a billionaire who can have any woman he wants and never seems to be happy.  i dont know what he plays in the movie, but leonardo is...  the great gatsby is based on f. scott fitzgerald's novel.  i was surprised when i saw that it was in 3D though, i think what they want to do is they want to use fitzgerald's sardonic critique of materialism to come right at you!  doing it in 3D, they should have jazzed up the title as well, they should have called it 'too fast, too gatsby' or something.  this is the fifth time someone's made a film version of gatsby.  five film versions of great gatsby, and not a single version of snookie's book!  good job, hollywood!'
- tom lennon
- cat deeley

5-09-13

+ 'the big news this week is from belgium', craig ferguson states, 'how often do you hear that?  'big news from belgium!'  what?  belgium, of course, is the home of jean claude van damm and papa smurf.  i like him, he's like an old man leprechaun.  and papa smurf is nice too...  in belgium they finally captured the jewel thieves who got away with 50 million bucks worth of diamonds in february.  here's what happened: the diamonds were on a plane in brussels airport when a van cut in front of them and then a bunch of guys busted out of the van and stole the diamonds!  anyway, the police in belgium described it as a spectacular robbery.  but the jewel heist was brazen, when i first heard about it i thought there's only one man who could pull this off: jason statham!  you know what i want to know is, why were there 50 million dollars worth of diamonds being shipped out of belgium all at once?  they should have divided the shipment into tiny portions, just like i do with my meth!  just like that!  i've said too much...  yesterday the belgium police arrested 31 people involved in the heist   that's a lot of people.  50 million dollars sounds like a lot, but when you split it 31 ways, it hardly seems worth the effort and the risk.  they say that some of the jewel thieves may still be at large.  one of the jewel thieves who was captured yesterday is also a lawyer, which is a shame, because now lawyers will get a bad reputation!'
- bob saget
- sarah hyland

5-08-13

+ 'do you know whats going on that i'm actually keeping an eye on?' craig ferguson asks, 'i'm worried about it, that volcano in alaska, its been erupting for like five days.  we are in volcano watch 2013.  its like a documentary here!  the alaska volcano is millions of years old and last weekend it started giving off massive blasts of gas.  you could probably do your own larry king joke anytime you want here...  if you want to see a volcano without going to alaska, you can always go to the mirage in las vegas.  that's awesome, they have an artificial volcano out front.  people like to go to vegas and see that hot red mess.  kind of like carrot top! anyway, i'm talking about the volcano in alaska.  i've never been to alaska, but i would love to go.  it is a huge state.  its so white and vast and frozen that early settlers gave it the nickname 'nicole kidman's forehead'.  alaska is one of our least visited states.  i blame their slogan, 'alaska: you'll freeze your balls off'.  they've got some weird laws in alaska, this is true, it is against the law in alaska to wake a sleeping bear.  who's going to break that law?  'awe, what the hell, i've had a couple drinks, i'm going to wake a sleeping bear!'  in west hollywood, if you wake a sleeping bear he'll buy you lunch!'
-lauren graham
= ben dukes

5-07-13

+ 'remember how i told you over the weekend', craig ferguson's story begins, 'that one of the toilets, i have more than one toilet in my house- oh, swanky! but one of them blew up and covered the house in poop.  it wasn't me!  i didn't run around doing it!  it was a complete accident.  anyway, i thought who's weekend could be worse than that?  then i found out about the rolling stones.  did you hear about this?  over the weekend the rolling stones played here in l.a. at the staple center but they had to cut their ticket prices in half to fill the seats.  and i'm thinking that people in l.a. were thinking 'well, if we wanted to see old guys shuffling around past their prime we would just go see the lakers!' boom!'
- ryan seacrest
- andrea osvart

5-06-13

+ 'sorry, i've lost my mind a little bit', craig ferguson admits to, 'its raining in l.a., and when its raining l.a. everybody looses their minds!!!  its a big deal in l.a., i know everywhere else in the country everybody knows how to deal with the weather, but here we cant.  it was very wet here in l.a., no one was walking anywhere, the traffic wasnt moving- and then it started to rain!  how wet was it today?  it was so wet that nbc replaced leno with aquaman!  it was so wet that arnold schwarzanegger actually used rubbers!  it was so wet reese witherspoon got a d.u.i. on a jet ski!  it was so wet aquaman was replaced by jay leno!'
- isla fisher
- jim rash

5-03-13

+ 'i'll tell you why i'm really excited: iron man 3 opens today!'  craig ferguson exclaims, 'this time iron man goes up against his most dangerous enemy yet: rust!  'iron man, watch out for the sprinklers!'  i don't care who iron man fights, i'm just glad he's back.  my favorite is the theme song: 'iron man, iron man, does what ever iron can'.  alright, that's spider-man.  i always get iron and spiders mixed up.  that's why i rub a tarantula over my pants before i put them on!  its in my pants right now- best feeling ever!  keep dancing, my hairy friend!  you too, little spider!  anyway, the trailer looks fantastic.  i liked the first two iron man movies, i like that he doesn't keep his identity a secret.  everyone knows he's tony stark, he's just free to be himself, he wont pretend to be someone else.  he wont let the uniform hide who he truly is, he's like the nba's jason collins!  good for you, jason, good for you!  iron man, of course, played by robert downey jr. who is fantastic.  he is saying though, that this might be the last time he will be playing iron man.  that's hollywood code for 'hey movie studio, pony up!'.'
- angela kinsey
> simon amstell

5-02-13

+ 'there's a new study out', craig ferguson states, 'it explains whats wrong with young people.  researchers have proven what i have suspected for years: young people are greedy bastards.  it says young people are more materialistic than ever.  its in the l.a. times, which is a newspaper.  a newspaper is like a blog except everything in it is from yesterday.  apparently today's youth is more materialistic, they are less interested in hard work than old people.  i don't know, i know people who are old, i'm 51- i'm old!  i'm thinking, yeah, they are young people, they aren't supposed to be interested in hard work.  young people were put on earth to eat snacks and nap.  and by that i mean puff puff!'
- pierce brosnan
> tone bell

5-01-13

+ 'its a day on broadway this week', craig ferguson shares, 'the nominations for the tony awards came out yesterday.  only 40 more days till the broadcast, so i'm going to start getting in shape.  i'm not going, i just like to watch it at home with my shirt off.  there's a musical called 'kinky boots' that got all the nominations.  its about a little shoe store that starts making sexy dominatrix boots.  its the best play about fetish wear since 'annie get your gimp mask', 'my fair nipple clamps', 'jersey toys', 'joseph and the amazing technicolor assless chaps'!  the music from kinky boots is written by cindi lauper.  there's a video on youtube about here, a few years ago she was at a concert, she was singing at the concert, and a bird pooped in her mouth!  that's true!  here's why she is an american hero: she kept on singing!  she cannot be stopped by bird poop!'
- michael ian black
- lena headey

4-30-13

+ 'good evening everyone', craig ferguson begins, 'i know what you are thinking, 'craig, why are you sitting there at your desk?  don't you usually stand up at the start of your show so we can appreciate your long lovely legs?'  here's the problem, if you cant tell already, the lighting is apparently out on half of the studio.  there's a leak.  i don't understand, there's been a drought in l.a. for the past two months!  the leak is from the air conditioning unit that's leaking water, the lights are dangerous so no one can sit there.  there's not enough light for me to stand there, there's barely enough light for me to be here.  the horse is in twilight over there!  and the robot, that runs on electricity, is over by where the leak is!  what i'm saying is, this show is usually a mess, but tonight is going to be an unholy mess!  its going to be bad, very very bad- worse than usual.  and i, for one, am delighted!  the audience though, does not think that so much...  we don't have any room for the 25 people, there's no lesbian row- we are lesbian free!  this is going to be a rough one...'
- larry the cable guy
- abigail spencer

4-29-13

+ 'its a great day for the nba star jason collins', craig ferguson informs, 'he is the first athlete in a major u.s. sport to officially announce he's gay.  good for you jason!  he's a free agent now, but i'll bet that next season he will start for the utah jazz hands!  his last team was the washinton wizards.  he's not the first openly gay wizard, that trail was blazed by dumpledore.  remember dumpledore? j.k. rawling was the one who wrote him, she said dumpledore was gay and people were like 'ahhh!'  he's fictional!  so far the reaction from fans and teammates has been nothing but positive.  but why shouldnt it be positive?  jason collins has nothing to be ashamed of, its not like he plays for the lakers!  i think the positive reaction to jason's announcement is a great sign, it shows us that nba fans want to embrace diversity and they really want to focus on what unites them: hating the miami heat!  i have to say, i have no idea what i just said...'
- mary mccormack
- jim o'heir

the scottish king redesign

we figured it was about time for a little spring cleaning here on the scottish king blog, so we've spruced it up a bit with a redesign.  we still have all the same great features: episode summaries, sketches, email jingles, and links to your favorite guests from the late late show with craig ferguson, and more!  a common question we get around here is 'where can i get a cool rattlesnake mug like craig's?'  well, just click the link on the right and you will be magically taken away to a really great retailer who sells them- thanks to the power of the interweb!
remember, if you have any comments, questions, or suggestions for the scottish king blog, feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments section.  enjoy!

4-26-13

+ 'some days i come out here', craig ferguson explains, 'and say 'today is a day i've been looking forward to all year' but i dont really mean it, but today i really mean it.  i love this day, its arbor day, everybody! i love arbor day, i spent all day planting my seeds, and then i left the house.  yes, i planted my seed, i dropped a log in the forest, i grew some wood, i played with my acorns.  there, i'm done, right?  on arbor day we are all called to plant and care for trees because trees are our friends.  'i think that i shall never see a poem as lovely as a tree'.  thats from 'trees' by joyce kilmer, who wrote that in 1914.'
- robin wright
> myq kaplin

a view from the back

'i've been feeling weird all day', craig ferguson admits, 'and then when i came in here i noticed that there were cameras following me around...  did you know there is a camera up there?' craig asks as he points to the ceiling in the back of the set.  they then show the set from the angle of that camera.  ooh, thats a new one!  we've seen a few different shots and angles from the show over the past few months that havent been done before.  its fun every once in a while to notice the little changes and additions they make to the show on a technical level as well.  why would they do that particular angle of the set?  who knows, but it is interesting!

4-25-13

+ 'its a great day if you are in texas', craig ferguson informs, 'all five living presidents are gathered for a ribbon cutting ceremony at george w bush's presidential library.  technically its known as 'the bush center'.  thats how they got president clinton to go!  lets see, other late night jokes... justin bieber!  the police in stockholm found drugs and a stun gun on his tour bus.  i'm like 'bieber, you naughty girl!'  the swedish police want to know three things: who bought the drugs?  where did you get the stun gun?  and why did you ditch your monkey?  he left his monkey in germany.  maybe monkey's like germany, maybe the monkey was like 'things arent working out, i'm out of here biebs!'.'
- zac efron
* anna quindlen

tiny set with drew carey

'open the curtain, i'll show you what's back there', craig says as the curtain on the right side of the stage opens to reveal a tiny talk show host desk, and a guest chair with a puppet sized drew carey! 'when did that get there?  is that a tiny little drew carey?!?  did i know that was there?  no.  can i ask why is that there?' craig asks the producer michael, 'you dont know.  good producing, well done.  what the hell is going on?!?  why have we got a tiny little drew carey back there?  are the muppets doing a talk show when we're not here?  you know whats weird, i shouldn't tell you this, that is the actual size of drew carey.  why is that there? there is no reason for this, i have no idea why its there, i swear i have no idea about this.  is someone hosting a tiny little show back there?  like, so dave is on the big talk show, i'm on the much smaller talk show, and then there's a tiny little talk show back behind the curtain!'  craig then tells secretariat to walk around the tiny stage to show the crazy perspective.  really strange, really funny!

4-24-13

+ 'you know who its a great day for in america today?' craig ferguson asks, 'gwyneth paltrow.  what?  yes, but isnt it always a great day to be gwyneth?  she just walks around in a toga singing 'i'm gwyneth, i'm gwyneth paltrow! everything's wonderful for me!'  she was named people magazine's most beautiful woman. i dont mean to be caddy about this, but i'm a little surprised, i thought this was bieber's year!'
- rainn wilson
- karen gillan

4-23-13

+ 'today is the day i look forward to all year', craig ferguson shares, 'today is william shakespeare's birthday. he would have been 449 years old today.  or as cbs calls it: our demographic!  you know who else's birthday it is? george lopez.  one is a genius who's timeless observations on the human condition could bring tears to the eyes, and the other is shakespeare.  now, william shakespeare's birthday is clearly a cause for celebration.  in honor of is birthday i will now do the monologue this evening in elizabethan english:  me thinks it is a great day for the new world... yeah, that's all, i'm not doing more after that.  see, speaking elizabethan english is like hosting a talk show, it seems like a good idea, then after about five seconds you realize you don't want to at all.'
- kevin bacon
- rebecca hall

4-22-13

+ 'its not such a great day for america's sweetheart reese witherspoon', craig ferguson states, 'reese, i'm disappointed!  she was arrested on saturday in georgia for heckling a police officer who pulled over her husband.  she was, in fact, legally bombed.  i love reese, even in her mug shot she looks good.  apparently though she was out of control, she was yelling at the officer 'do you have any idea who i am?'  i yell the same thing at the audience here every night 'do you have any idea who i am?'  and they respond 'no, we're just scared of the warm up comedian'.'
- kat denning
* philip kerr

4-19-13

+ 'a big movie opening today, i'm very excited, is one of those science fictions', craig ferguson states, 'its called oblivion, tom cruise is in it.  i have to say, it looks pretty cool.  tom cruise is an intergalactic soldier who spends his day fighting aliens.  i have no idea what he does in the movie, but tom cruise is an intergalactic soldier who spends his days fighting aliens...  i think this movie is going to be a return to form for tom cruise because he hasn't been in a big budget fantasy project since... his marriage!'
- harrison ford
- ariel tweto

4-18-13

+ 'i know what you are thinking', craig ferguson exclaims, 'you are thinking 'craig, whats the latest from hollywood?'  well, i'll tell you!  last night in hollywood jennifer aniston was seen at a movie premier and she had red cupping marks on her back!  it seems jennifer aniston is into the latest hollywood craze, which is cupping.  its an actual thing, cupping.  its an ancient form of medicine.  you put cups on your skin and you heat it up and it creates suction.  cupping therapy is supposed to be very healing, a lot of celebrities do it.  people love it because its from somewhere else and its been around for a long time.  'its been around for thousands of years so it must be very good'.  its practically illegal to get old here, so why in hollywood are old people shunned, but old ideas are embraced?  it is because we are shallow douche bags.  the cupping actually, they did in ancient egypt.  they did a lot of stuff that we do today in ancient egypt.  they used to wear eye make up and take drugs.  they did, you know in ancient egypt they would wear eye make up, thats for the sand.  they put the eye make up on to protect them from the wind blown sand, and they took opium because of pain.  they used to eat this bread and the sand from the desert went in it and it would wear their teeth down.  so they would take opium and they had bad teeth and make up on.  it was like me in the 80's!'
- ginnifer goodwin
* salman rushdie

4-17-13

+ 'today is daffy duck's birthday!'  criag ferguson states, 'he is 76 years old today!  i was reading about daffy duck today, cause i knew i needed to talk about something, and i found out that his middle name is armando.  i did not know that, i did not know that we was spanish!  which makes him the forbidden duck!  he's actually spanish, he doesnt have a lisp, he's just speaking castillian spanish.  you know, a few years ago warner brothers tried to reboot the looney tunes characters, make them all cool, and all 'myspace' or whatever the hell they were doing.  they changed daffy duck's name to danger duck.  that happens though, when  executives get on things, they try and change it all up.  we had a similar thing here a couple years ago when cbs wanted me to dye my hair.  i'm like 'no way, i'm not bowing down to you and being a slave to your corporate agenda!'  which reminds me, its time for the commercials...'
- melissa rauch
- brad goreski

4-16-13

+ 'tax day is done!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'i'm done, i've payed it.  i always feel a bit better once i've paid my taxes.  i don't like to do it, but i feel it is my duty, kind of like hosting this show.  taxes are very complicated though, the u.s. tax code is seven million words!  all the different regulations- its almost as difficult to follow as a fucking episode of 'game of thrones'!  if you didn't get your taxes done on time, the IRS may charge you a penalty  and the last thing i want is to be penalized.  you've got to be careful, pay your taxes!  that's how the feds finally nailed al capone.  its amazing that after all the stuff he did they got him on simple tax evasion.  he should have know that you cant write on your tax form 'that thing with that guy'.'
- selma blair
> nathan fielder

4-15-13

+ 'good evening, tonights show will be a little different', craig begins.  in the wake of the tragedy in boston, craig starts the show seated from his desk.  'obviously, the news of the today is so horrendous that it would seem insensitive at best to say 'its a great day for america' so i wont be starting the show with that tonight.  is anyone else sick of this shit?  i seem to have to say that too often, i have to not say its a great day for america, because of some random act of madness or terrorism.  anyway, the trouble is, of course, by the time you get to this show, you know, twelve thirty in your region or whatever.  by the time you get to this show, the media has been pouring over the events of the day, there has been constant analysis, speculation of the assumptions and stuff.  i'm not going to to do that, people say to me 'craig, your job is to make people laugh at the end of the day.'  and i think yes, thats true, but i've never professed to be any damn good at that, and the thing is, people want their minds taken off it.  and i think, ok, if you want your mind taken off it, watch a cartoon or a video or something.  i understand it, its perfectly acceptable, i dont think its a terrible thing to not want to think about it.  but i cant not think about it.  the deal i made with you when i started this show is that i will be as honest as i can be.  so i have to be honest, we will do the best show we can do, we will have some laughs, we'll do what we do to a degree, but this is on my mind.  i cant pretend its not there.  i'm not one of those people, i'm not a valuable quality entertainer.  and also, i have a personal connection with the city of boston.  i have family there, and when i became an american citizen in 2008, i spoke at phanial hall on july 4th at the invitation of tommy menino, who is the mayor of boston.  i've been there on the 4th of july many times, every cop in boston looks like i'm his brother!  my first stand up special in america i shot it in boston.  i'm used to and i love that town.  i'm applauded by this thing, when i watch it on these streets that i know, you watch the media go over and over this thing and its horrifying.  people say 'oh, you cant let the terrorists win'.  they're not fucking winning, its just there.  i know people say we dont know if its a terrorist.  yes we do, yes we do.  who ever did that thing wasnt doing it for any other reason, clearly they failed in achieving the number of dead or carnage that they were trying to get.  this wasnt some brave commando who broke in to a military instillation and put a mine on the side of a battleship and then snuck out fearing for his own life.  this was some fucking shithead that went into a public place and left something there that he knew was going to blow up.  thats not a soldier, thats a terrorist.  if i have all this inside of me, if i have all this rage and anger and distress inside of me, i'm not that good of a comedian to hide that from you.  i cant hide it from you, its there.  we will have our guests out tonight and i'll ask them about their lives!  i dont know how its going to be, luckily we have some great guests, so we have a shot.  they are cleaver and experienced men, so i think we will be alright.'
- rob lowe
* larry king

4-12-13

+ 'i'll tell you why its a great weekend for fans of the rock and roll music', craig ferguson insists, 'its the coachella music festival!  its held every year in the california desert, a whole weekend of peace, love, and ten dollar bottles of water.  you know, the coachella festival is only a few hours away from l.a., lots of celebrities go.  danny devito and david hasselhoff have been there almost every year, which makes sense.  its hard for devito to see, so hasselhoff lets him sit on his shoulders, and after the concert is over, the two of them forage for hamburgers on the ground.  i went to coachella last year, i liked the music, but i didnt like being in the desert.  i kept bumping in to one of those prickly things covered in needles.  what are those called?  thats right, courtney love...'
- jason biggs
- keke palmer

4-11-13

+ 'its a great day for donald trump', criag ferguson states, 'here comes a donald trump joke, that means its a late night talk show right there, a late night staple.  he's going to be a grandfather, donald trump.  congratulations, trump.  its true, hes going to be a grandfather, that thing on his head is pregnant!  no its not, his daughter is pregnant i think.  the thing on his head lays eggs.'
- carl reiner
- anna chlumsky

4-10-13

+ 'it is a great day if you are a late night talk show host', craig ferguson states, 'which technically i am.  technically.  anyway, its a great day because former congressman anthony wiener is returning to politics!  listen, if you had to do this crap every day you would love it when you hear a wiener is running!  thats what we live for!  wiener running again? that takes balls!  then you can say things like 'i guess you cant keep a good wiener down!'  if you dont know, anthony wiener is the guy who texted his pictures, you know, he texted pictures of his junk.  when is that ever a great idea?  no matter how well you know the person you are sending it to, how drunk do you have to be?  now he says he might run for the mayor of new york city.  he's a democrat, but from what i've seen, sometimes he leans to the right...'
- julia louis-dreyfus
- myq kaplan
= he's my brother she's my sister

4-09-13

+ 'i'm very tense about this crisis in asia', craig ferguson admits, 'right now the north koreans are about to test  a new weapons system.  as we all know, north korea is ruled by kim jung un.  for those of you who dont know, over the weekend the premier of china told kim jung un to chill out.  now, when the premier of china tells you to chill out, you know things are pretty bad.  thats like mel gibson saying 'whoa, chill out on the tequila!',  thats like charlie sheen saying 'thats enough hookers!'  yesterday japan were giving warnings too, they said that if north korea tests new weapons, japan will have no choice but to set up their own missile defense system- an adorable system with 'hello kitty' pictures on them!'
- drew carey
- jane levy

4-08-13

+ 'its a fantastic day for college basketball', craig ferguson states, 'what a game that was... congratulations, winners.  we are live so of course i watched every...  you know, people say to me, they say 'craig, put some clothes on!' then they say to me 'craig, are you saying your show is not live?  because other late night shows are live!'  and i'm like, no they are not live.  'but...' no, they are not live. and even if they were, which they are not, we are not like other late night shows.  'why craig?  how can you say that? you are a guy, you walk out, you are wearing a suit, you are like other late night shows!'  no, number 1: i dont give a fuck.  wait wait, i know what you are thinking: 'craig, its just part of your shtick'.  no, its not part of a shtick  i really dont give  a fuck!  its not that i dont like everyone here, they are perfectly nice people, cbs are a lovely corporation in every way, but i dont give a fuck.  and thats important.  remember that kids, never give a fuck!  well, the buddists say that desire is suffering, thats the first truth of buddism, desire is suffering.  so if you dont give a fuck, you are in clover, right?'  {editors note: this sounds like craig is mad when written, but when he did his monologue it was all lighthearted and in jest, just so ya know!}
- max greenfield
- debbie reynolds

3-27-13

+ 'apple has a patent out on a new phone that they say will not break', craig ferguson shares, 'which is fantastic, now i will stop duct taping the phone to a cat!  meow! i do not tape my phone to a cat, please put the email down.  'you are so cruel!'  i dont even have a cat!  its a joke cat, it is the cat of my imagination.  its a bit like that parrot in the monty python thing, its not dead, its pining for the fjords!'
> don rickles
- radha mitchell

3-26-13

+ who just so happens to be in the audience for tonight's taping? why, scott adsit from 30 rock!  craig invites him up for the opening big and has a bit of fun with him.
+ 'it is an important birthday today', criag ferguson shares, 'it is the birthday, everyone is very excited around here, i know cbs is going crazy, there's a lot of events planned for this week because it is the birthday of american poet robert frost.  i love the idea of cbs' primetime 'robert frost week'!  hawaii 5-0 robert frost! nci dont know any of his poems!  robert frost got his own stamp in 1973.  it costed 10 cents.  it usually costs me more than twice that to lick an elderly person!  robert frost won four pulitzer prizes in his lifetime.  thats amazing!  if i had won four pulitzer prizes, or even one, i would wear them around my neck and i'd be like michael phelps in the club!  no, robert frost was probably much more dignified that that.  he had a fascinating life, he said that a poem begins as a lump in the throat.  look, i may not understand the whole idea of metaphors and allegories, but if your poem starts as a lump in the throat, maybe you should see a doctor!  now, i have mixed feelings about poetry.  i've said this before and i'll say it again, done well, poetry is fantastic, but not many people are capable of doing poetry well.  i think you should have some sort of official certification in order to perform or write poetry.  we could call it some sort of poetic licence  if you will. basically, i think poetry is like sex, its brief, confusing, and best left to professionals.'
- sarah chalke
* lawrence block

3-25-13

+ 'its a great day for italy', craig ferguson informs, 'the city of venice was founded on this day in the year 421.  so happy birthday venice, and if i may say in my best italian, 'whas a come and a go!'  you know who else has a birthday today?  sir elton john!  hes 66 years old.  venice and elton john are very different of course, one is an old crumbling landmark that italian sailors have been riding over for years...  its very lucky to have a birthday today because its also vaffel dagen today!  its the day i wait for all year!  vaffel dagen, thats swedish for 'waffel day'.  every year, march 25th, the people of sweden get out of their volvos, they turn off the abba cds, and they start making waffles!  its a big tradition over there.  as far as i am concerned, there are two people in this world: those who love waffles, and al quida.  vaffel dagen is one of my favorite days of the year, its right up there with pancakesgiving, and cinco de pie-o,  ham-oween.  some people prefer pancakes to waffles.  like some guys are ass men and others are breast men.  you know what i say?  it doesnt matter if you are in to waffles or pancakes, or asses or breasts, they are all better if they are covered in maple syrup!'
- morgan freeman
- vera farmiga

3-20-13

+ 'you know why i'm excited?' craig ferguson asks, 'its because its the first day of spring!  the first day of spring is known as the vernal equinox, which means that the amount of day and night are equal, split right down the middle.  or as fox news would call it 'solar communism!'  equinox is something that only happens once a year, kind of like good ratings on nbc!  vernal is, of course, the latin word for spring.  spring sounds light and cheery, vernal sounds nasty, it sounds like a disease!  the vernal equinox occurred this morning at 6:02 am.  if you were awake for it and you're still awake for this show, then you are probably running a bit low on meth!  a lot of myths about the equinox have been debunked, you cannot balance an egg on its side, water does not flow backwards, kim kardashian will not appear bigger than khloe.'
- aaron eckhart
= kellie pickler

3-19-13

+ 'did you watch the show 'bates motel'?' craig ferguson asks, 'it premiered on a&e.  wow!  it was the most watched drama on a&e, the channel that brought you hoarders and duck dynasty.  these are big shows!  i'm going to pitch them a show about someone who hoards ducks.  its me.  i've got one in my pants right now...  bates motel, its a spin off from the movie psycho.  i hope this doesnt mean we are going to get other cheap knock offs like 'stabbing with the stars', 'how i met your murderer', 'so you think you can put the lotion in the basket?', 'downton stabby'.  psycho was the movie that changed the way i look at roadside motels.  after that movie i swore id find somewhere else to take my truck stop prostitutes.  you know the guy who plays norman bates in the new version is freddie highmore.  hes a good actor, freddie highmore, hes great in this, but nobody could possibly top anthony perkins as norman bates.  anthony perkins was truly the master bates...'
- michelle monaghan
* john green